this is just where i talk to myself a ton!!!!! woo hoo!!

this will be periodically updated whenever i wanna talk about stuff but don't have anyone to say it to

also none of this will be in a specific order or at all related to anything else aside from the introduction. every paragraph is a new thought!!

okay so i figure if i am gonna do this i might as well start with a little about myself. after all, you decided it'd be a good idea to read through this so you know

hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm Magic, but you could also call me June :3

uhh she/her, i'm trans, happily married to my boyfriend of 3 and a half months(4/18/23!!!!!)

i really like ultrakill and rvb and halo in general and i like to write stuff and i like to make shitty "art" and and and

msuci i like glass beach and lemon demon and tally hall and will wood and machine girl and rory in early 20s and sewerslvt(i pirated her music so i don't support her, i just like some of her music) and astrophysics and insane clown posse and tyler the creator and marzuku and nelward and viviviviv

im very autistic

i've made some music and i've done some drawing but i'm really good at the janecore stuff so i do that mostly, i do really really wanna get into making music though

i saw on some other neocities page that they had like a chatbox/comments thing and i think that that's really cool, but i also feel like that would be kinda pointless since nobody is gonna read any of this or look at this site other than people who i begged to look at it on discord and can just message me through there.

my boyfriend is really pretty :3

i looove boys!!!!

i love girls too!!!!

i also love people that are neither!!!!!!

i also love people that are both!!!!!!!

lookin at other people's neocitiesc again...,.,..,.,.,.. i realize if i want this to be like a blog i should add like dates(more like timestamps) but thats lame and gay, and i am neither of those

shit i;''m both of those

so last year i was in a relationship with this one person, and it was like both of our first relationships so we didn't really know what to exdpect. i dont think either of us were every really like "in love" with each other, but all of our friends kept saying like "ooh you'd be such a good couple omg!!" and so we were like "oh yeah sure" so we dated for like a year but there wasn't any actual love involved. obviously we did care about each other a lot, but the spark just wasn't there to begin with. we ended up breaking up sometime late last year because i was just a huge piece of shit(different story for a different time, though it does play a really big part). we had this circle of friends which was me, my current bf, the ex(i feel like shit calling her by that but it's easist for seperation's sake), and two others we'll call rock and summer. rock and ex were always really close, as they had been friends for a really long time, and i'm pretty sure they're dating now. summer was also super close with the both of them, but bf was really only friends with rock as they were also really close friends for a really long time, though they didn't really talk to ex. after the break up, rock ex and summer stopped talking to me for a really long time. bf kept talking to me because they weren't really friends with ex, so they didn't really know just how bad i was. this kinda drove me a bit crazy tbh because they were like the only friends i had, and i got real depressed and shit. one night i was really really sad and i sent summer a dm on discord saying like "thanks for everything, you guys were real good friends, i'm sorry i wasn't a good friend back" and she thought i was gonna like do something bad to myself, and then i apologized for everything and we became friends again, and then i managed to apologize to rock and ex like a few months later, and then me and rock started talking a little bit and then they gave ex my discord and now we're kind of friends again? so that's cool

earlier i was playing ultrakill but i got really pissed off so i stoped playing ultrakill and started playing tf2 but i got really pissed off playing tf2 so i started playing ultrakill but i got really pissed off so i stoped playing ultrakill and started playing tf2 but i got really pissed off playing tf2 so i started playing ultrakill but i got really pissed off so i stoped playing ultrakill and started playing tf2 but i got really pissed off playing tf2 so i started playing ultrakill but i got really pissed off so i stoped playing ultrakill and started playing tf2 but i got really pissed off playing tf2 so i started playing ultrakill but i got really pissed off so i stoped playing ultrakill and started playing tf2 but i got really pissed off playing tf2 so i stopped playing video games for a while

grahhh i wanna make my own thing and not use a template but god im so lazyyy

i do sleep calls with my bf every night and every single time, i will go to the bathroom, come back, and they're asleep, and i feel like shit everytime because i didn't get to tell them goodnight.

i also feel like shit because every night, they beg me to go to sleep and i never do. im a bad person and i don't know what they see in me

the whole reason this page is here is so i can rant about shit and put down just whatever random thoughts come to mind, but i was thinking earlier, and i really really want to know if people are actually reading this, but also just the fact that it's public is comforting enough

on the other hand though, the fact that it's public and ANYONE can see it makes me really scared to admit things on here because i linked the site on my discord, and there are some particular people that i know would definitely want to read through it(if you have my discord and you're wondering if i'm talking about you, chances are i am, i still love you though dw) that i don't really want knowing certain things. there's also no way to know for sure if they do read through it or if they have because if i ask them, they'll want to know what i don't want to tell them, and if they haven't, they probably will because "well since she brought it up, it's probably worth checking out, right?"

i was also really scared to talk about my relationship with my ex because it's public, but also i'm probably gonna bring it up a lot because my life is so fucking boring that losing 3 friends is a truamatic experience that sent me into a depressive spiral.

fuck you chip(lovingly)

"why do the good die young" i say, staring at my blood stained hands. lawnmower by lemon demon echoes through the dark alleyway, coming from the bluetooth speaker i had in my backpack. i sigh gently, letting loose a lone tear, dropping down to and being consumed by the puddle of blood surronding me.

a little ways into our relationship, me and my bf promised each other that we would always tell each other whenever we were sad or upset or angry, whether or not it related to the other or not. sometimes i get really sad for no reason, and my bf can always tell eventually, but i always end up feeling like shit because i didn't think to tell them. is it still breaking the promise if i didn't know

sometimes i want to cry but i can't. i haven't cried in forever. the only times that i feel like im actually able to cry are time when i'm not allowed to. it's not fair.

the worst feeling is the feel lonely when you're surrounded by people.

i feel lonely a lot. i don't know why. i have plenty of friends, i have an amazing boyfriend that i talk to almost all day everyday, but i still feel so lonely. it's probably because i'm selfish. it's never enough for me. i can't ever just be fucking happy with what i have.

this page has made me realize that i break that promise a lot. i'm breaking it right now. i'm literally on a call with them right now, ranting about all this stupid shit that makes me see sad or angry or whatever, and i haven't said a word about it to them at all. i'm a bad person. a bad girlfriend. i should've learned from my last relationship. people are better off without me.

i love them too much to give them my love. they deserve someone better. someone i can't be.

i would just like to take a quick moment to apologize for half of this page just being super edgy

thinki na about deleteing all of the edgy depressive shit but i think it's funnier if i don't because whenever i start going on self-hating rants at like 3 in the morning i can laugh about how stupid and edgy i am when i wake up

if anyone disagrees please contact me via my discord(link on the index page). i am very open to changing this opinion. i am also very open to being friends. if you're, like you know, down for that sorta thing haha lol. like, wouldn't that be pretty funny lol? lmao?? so silly??? lol?

i am losing my mind

:3

i wonder if anyone even reads any of this. even if they do, it's not like they're gonna come back every 30 minutes to see if i've updated it or anything. i wonder if i have any returning visitors. people sitting on the page, refreshing every 5 minutes. i've been thinking about that comment box thing a lot because god im so curious to know if anyone reads this. please god give me a sign praying emoji

im replaying borderlands 2 rn. really fun, but my shitty pc can barely run it lmao. i forgot how tedious missions are. im on the one where you have to get the powercore to get into sanctuary. reiss is a little bitch. i was like 15 seconds away. pussy.

for the next week or so this page will contain spoilers for an 11 year old game btw, so if you still haven't played bl2, go fuckin play it because it's really fun

borderlands 2 crashed when i alt tabbed,,,...,.,.. life is pointless.,.,.,.,,.,.,.,.,..,,.,,,,.

i think the index page might come off too strong and just scare people away because most of it is just swearing and insulting jane. nobody even knows who jane is. what the heck.

avbout to play ultrakill now,... i have the prologue and act 1 p ranked, i just need to do act 2. side note, i fucking hate act 2. greed is kind of really annoying and wrath is also just annoying. heresy carries so fucking hard. it's funny how act 2 has my favorite layer and also my least favorite/

im done playing ultrakill. i died once and now im unfathomably angry

rvb: season 1: wow that's pretty funny. oh shit what the fuck

season 2: holy shit what is happening this thing has a story

season 3: oh my god what the fuck

season 4: dude what is happening oh my god

season 5: okay yeah so this is a cool story WHAT THE FUCK NOOOOOO

season 6: dude what this is so cool who are these people

season 7: what.. The fuck.. washington.

season 8: DUDE WHAT THE FUCK THEY CAN MOVE OH MY FUCKING GOD OH MY GOD TEX NOOOOOOO CHURCH NOOOO WHATR THE FUCK!!!!

seasoning 9: oh thats pretty funny, back to it's roots/HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME OH MY GOD

season 10: HOLY SHIT IT'S HER THATS THE LADY

season 11: funny silly :3 oh fuck it's not funny silly anymore

seaspnm 12: this is so cool

season 13: i am going to kill myself

season 14: back to the silly

season 15: church :(

season 16: what

season 17: what the actual fuck is happening in this show anymore

season 18: i miss when this show was good

season 19 trailer: i think that this show might get good again

But seriously, why would anyone choose to be transgender? It's not natural.

theres some songs that i really want to quote on here but the problem is that its hard to convey the message through text alone. like how do i convey emotionally screaming at the top of your lungs on the brink of crying

sorry i haven't updated for a little bit, i hung out with my bf yesterday so the only thing i'll be feeling for the next few days is "ughhh i miss themmm i wanna go backw waaaaa"

guuhhr urhrug grjhhhhh harghhhhh rggahhhhhhh grrrrrr

my bf is trying to convince me that it's possible to make it snow by putting a spoon under your pillow.

they are so autistic

"i'm not, i'm, i'm special >:("

they are so easy to gaslight

It's 4:43 AM right now. I went to sleep at a normal time for once, I'm trying to get my sleep schedule back in check, but I woke up at like 2:30, and wasn't able to fall back asleep. I've been sitting around, listening to Spotify and playing a puzzle game. A song by ROAR came on, and I got hit with this paralyzing sense of.. not nostalgia, but something along those lines. I used to listen to ROAR a ton back when life was really shitty for me. I didn't have many friends, life was monotonous, my grades sucked, life at home sucked, etc etc etc. I've come to associate ROAR with that feeling of desperation for change, and memories of sitting silent in the back of class, or staring out the window of the bus, watching the broken sidewalk run alongside the road. It's something that I can't really elaborate, but the feeling is so.. god I can't even explain it. It's so funny to me, that this is kind of a shared experience. People all the time get these feelings that they just can't explain, but it's so.. real, to them. Everybody feels it at least once. Whether it's associated with a certain smell, music, art, or whatever, everyone has that something that sends them back to sometime completely different from where they are now. Maybe life has gotten worse since then, and that feeling is a brief chance to escape from it all, to relish in the feeling of whatever it is that feeling is. Maybe life has gotten better, and it creates a brief chance to reflect. Reflect on how you got from where you were to where you are now. Or maybe, just to reflect on how life was back then. To take a moment to appreciate where you are now. I think everyone should have that kind of moment every once in a while, feel that sense of reminiscence.

"Why should anyone else offer their help? I mean, just look at the way you never took care of yourself."

While I was looking up the lyrics to the song in question(Hope by ROAR), a Tame Impala song came on. It's another song that reminds me of this one time. Me and my boyfriend ride the same bus after school, and we would share songs with each other. If you search up a song on Spotify, and play it from that search, it will play that song on loop. I was laying my head on their shoulder, and I was still enough that they thought that I was asleep, so I just kinda went along with it. I sat still, listening to the same song over and over, just to make them happy. I might be so unbelievably sick of what would be a good song, but it was worth it. I keep the song on my playlist because I like being reminded of that day.(also, chip, once you read this, im sorry you had to find out this way)

I don't like putting feelings about things between my and my bf because I know that they'll read it and try to change so they can fix whatever I wrote about, but while I'm on the topic of music, whenever I share a song with them, I'll listen to it and try to imagine their reaction to the song and get so unbelievably nervous because I then think that they'll hate the song

i won't pretend you're not breathing

i dont wanna live in a world where i can't use the sharpened volcano fragment

want to say sorry again for not updating this very much. i've kind of already gotten out all of my pent up feelings, and there isn't really anything to report, but school starts this monday, so that might change. i really want to update this more, because i love talking to you, but i just can't find anything to say. i'm sorry again.

i love you. i love you so much. i dont care who you are, what you've done, i just need you to know that i love you. even if you dont think so, i know you are a good person, deep down. no matter who you've hurt, what you've done, what you've said, i truly believe you can get better. it may take a long time, a lot of effort, but you can be good. and when it gets tough, remember that i will always love you, and i will always be rooting for you.

i think that cavetown should make more music that's tailored to me specifically as a transfem because i deserve it

he should stop being racist first though, that's probably more important actually

school started yesterday!!!! glad i finally have something to do, and it's really nice to see friends and such again, but the main thing is that i get to see my bf almost everyday!!!! :3

got a really really bgi thing to say but im too lazy to type it all out, dm me on discord if you rlly rlly wanna know and then that gives me a reason to type it all out

sometimes i feel really lonely because i dont have like a ton of real friends or people that i can actually talk to. yeah i have like people ill talk to like in the hallway or if we like have a class together but there's nobody that i actively talk to on a regular basis other than my boyfriend and it makes me kinda sad actually

things dont ever really change do they?

hey guys!!! im back!!!! how have you been? i've missed talking to you! it's been a while huh? im really sorry. i honestly forgot about this site entirely because i just did not have the motiviation to update it. i like talking to actual people, and the idea of diaries and shit has never really clicked for me. it's a little draining screaming to the void, knowing only one person is actually going to read it(hi chip). there's no real point in updating this anymore because no one reads it. so this is probably like a goodbye send off kinda thing. sorry to chip and anyone else whos insane or bored enough to actually read any of this. feel free to like reach out on discord or something though, please i need friends so bad